Thursday, December 16, 2010
Have you ever have the feeling that you are going into a relationship and it will stay like this till the day you breath your last?
Have you ever felt that you can't see anything else after a break up with your love one, that you will just cease to exist and cease to feel anymore?
Most of the time, you do not know where life takes you. For me, i found my first true love in you. The first time in my 23 years that i ever felt this way for another person. My heart flutters when you are in the room. My eyes always rest on you when you are beside me. My ears long to hear your voice. My hands seeks to hold yours. My nose takes in your unique scent. My 5 senses are filled with your being. I know that first love are always the most memorable. Indeed, you are my first true love. I know i don't need a second or a third, cause it belongs to you, no matter what happens.
I know i am not your first. I know i may still not be your love. But i want you to know, the feelings you gave me are more than i can ever ask for. I gave you and surrendered my heart to you. You can treasure it, keep it, toy with it or just toss it out with the trash. But at least, i want you to know i love you with every thing i've got and everything i had. It might not be enough for you, but i am doing my best and will never stop doing my best..
My First Step is to Hope: Hope that as time passes, you will see how much i love you, how i gave my everything to just hope you can turn around and smile at me.
I am sleeping tonight with the image of your smiling face as i hug you to sleep.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
I guess i have a confession to make. I really didn't thought i would ever go down this road with you. I had my stable internship, my perfect education, an upcoming exchange to the place of my dreams, my loving date and a bunch of new friends that easily accepted me into their midst. You were just a good distraction, someone new to talk to, someone who shares similar interest in me. You were not even someone i would consider dating, which would usually be a mature adult who can carry out conversations about politics, economics and philosophy rather than movies, pop music and fashion trends.
But it all changed, one facebook message and one dinner later, i was a completely different person. It wasn't the looks, it wasn't the exciting new things you introduced me, it wasn't an impulsive nature on my part, it was love. Simply put, you unlocked the part of me that i thought was never there - The ability to LOVE.
I was so skeptical about loving someone, how could 2 person possibly want to spend all their waking time together, do things together, make commitment such as "death till us part", stupid promises that will never happen, that will never be realized.
But i was the stupid one, i didn't know love can do all this. From the day we met and talked in your school, i was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. You pulled me in, you changed me. You didn't slowly nudge me and push me in your way, you exploded into my world and took over everything. My life, my time, my feelings, my importantly my principles.
I never ever ever queued up for anyone for more than half hour if there was nothing in it for me, but one word from you, i stood 2 hours infront of the shop, just hoping i can get it to you in time.
I never ever spend lavishly on food, but for you, only the best spaghetti and best cut of beef could ever fill your mouth.
I never bought anyone presents out of impulse, but for you every single day is an occassion for me to gift you whatever you want.
I never had a proper adult conversation with you, i never had a good chat over coffee about the latest news on the Financial Times. With you, im always listening, always obeying, always loving.
When people ask me why i love you, i was speechless. I didn't know what to say. Then they start filling me with answers? Is it the sex? No, i can easily get the sex elsewhere. Is it the company? No, i have better company that would actually listen to what i say. Is it an ego trip? No, cause if it is there are other higher mountains i can try to conquer.
So what is it? They start asking me the questions. Why are you so stupid to fall in love with someone so egoistics, insensitive, opportunistic, bigheaded, non committal? Why go back when time and time again, you are getting hurt, getting used, getting degraded?
I question myself too many times. Why do i always go back. But it was so simple to me now
I always thought movie lines were cheesy. "I will never let go" "You are everything to me"
But the reason why i love you is so simple "Cause There is no reason"
Stupid, ya i know. The Me from 4 months ago would never say such stuff. Loving without a reason. But have you ever love someone that much that any flaws can be overlooked, can be negated. Cause that is what is happening to me. I do not care what the world says, i just so simple.
So here is something you might hear in a movie, but these are words that meant the world to me:
"There is no reason to love. When you love someone, you love. It is a simple rule of the universe. It is like how the sun rises in east and sets in the west. It is like when the apples goes up, it must fall back down.
I love you, Dear. There is no reason why i do, it just is.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you, together and forever... till death do us part."